Conflict is an unavoidable part of the human experience, and acknowledging how you deal with conflict is an immense stepping stone towards living a more empowered and balanced life.
Conflicts can be likened to a game, where the actors take different roles to ‘win’, often in a destructive and accusing manner. These roles are most often formed by our unconscious defence mechanisms that we have carried with us from childhood.
As often misinterpreted, its not about avoiding conflict – on the contrary, shying away from disagreements and uncomfortable conversations just shifts the battle to the inside. Its about learning how to do conflict.
At consciousleadership.org we work with our clients to understand what defence mechanisms they operate from and why, and from there help them to shift from defence and blame to constructive conversations and results.
We want to be people who consciously respond to the world instead of unconsciously reacting to the world.
Which role do you play?
The Karpman Drama Triangle defines the three roles we take on when disagreement and conflict arise: the Prosecutor, the Victim and the Rescuer
The Prosecutor is the bullier saying you’re wrong, and they are right. They often behave arrogantly, are intolerant with a huge sense of entitlement judging everyone around them – ‘you are wrong’, ‘they don’t get it’. The prosecutor is equally judgmental to themselves.
The Victim feels powerless and feel/ act/ behave powerlessly. They always find external reason for why things are not working for them (traffic, boss, mother…). What happens or does not happen in their lives are always because of someone or something else. They see life from a scarcity perspective, lack determination and easily give up.
The Rescuer is a person who takes care of the other to unconsciously distract themselves from their own pain and needs. They always try to solve things to keep the peace, but forget about their own needs in the process and often internalise the unsettled feelings.
Now make the shift
From Prosecutor to Challenger
As prosecutors we run away from our own vulnerability by overpowering people. If we have the intention to use power in a positive way, we want to acknowledge this pattern and become more compassionate towards ourselves which also makes us more compassionate towards others. We level up to becoming supporting challengers by moving from judging to asking constructive questions.
‘When I’m a challenger I stop blaming and criticizing. I’m firm but fair. I’m able to see all sides from an argument, and I support people by bringing healthy pressure’
From Victim to Creator
As victim we can create empowering change in our lives by becoming aware of our complaining and putting an end to it. Instead of blaming our mistakes and misfortunes on others, we want to start asking ourselves how we can take responsibility for our own life and act upon it. There lies a well of creativity and resourcefulness in shifting from Victim to Creator.
‘Don’t bring problems, bring solutions’
From Rescuer to Coach
As rescuers we feed our selfworth by being the savior for others, but this does not leave space for growth for anyone involved in the disagreement, and only solves a drama temporarily. When a rescuer moves to coach they see everyone as creators of their own life, and encourage others to take responsibility and solve their problems themselves.
‘Think of your own needs first, and you will be a better guide for others’
..AND FINALLY
Take a moment of humble honesty; what role do you take in the private and professional conflicts in your life? What are the triggers that make you step into that role? And how can you shift into becoming a an enabler for yourself and other?
If you want to explore further how to be a creator of constructive conflicts, click the button below to set up a free-of-charge call with one of our coaches to build your plan to conscious, collaborative and connecting conversations.